Beer Review: Spaten Optimator

As part of my blog’s ever-present need to grow, I’ve decided to add a new feature: I’m going to occasionally review a new beer. Here is my first review:

photo by Dylan Charles

So this is  my new blog feature. I’ve decided that I should new things. Like reviewing beers and the like. So I picked this. Beer reviewing I mean.

The first beer I picked to review is Spaten Optimator. It is a German beer from Germany and it is very good. I liked it a lot and I had three or four. I am drinking my fourth one now.

It’s very dark in color. But only a little bit dark. Not as dark as Guinness. But sort of like Guinness. It tastes like Guinness if Guinness were not as bitter.

I thought I made a typo but I didn’t.

Hi, this is Emily. Dylan’s decided to sit on the floor and drink another beer. He’s a little indisposed. He also insists that I use italics to show that this is a different voice, so please excuse them.

So: if you are a guy, beer gets in your mustache, but not if you’re a girl. I (Emily) have cute toes and am very cuddly. He’s just knocked over a beer bottle and a book, which were both balanced on his shoes. Not to worry, he says, no beer was lost in the accident. Back to the beer review, I say. According to a  professional review, it’s a very bready beer. Dylan thinks it’s a very beery beer, especially when drunk out of his special Sam Adams glass with the built-in imperfection in the bottom. He’s a bit distracted right now and insists that all of this (blog entry, drunkenness, etc.) is all my fault. My name is now “Embly.” Nebraska is apparently cornfields all the way down. Dylan doesn’t like dolphins and won’t stop talking about them. He has a whole litany of  reasons to back that up, but I’ve heard them all several times and won’t let him continue. Back to the beer. Dylan says: “I’m gonna go have another one.” He likes it and gives it three plus marks next to an A. He doesn’t like people who exaggerate their ratings with a bunch of extra plus marks and awesomeness. What you’ve got to do, he says, is think of some goddamn words. The review said that it wasn’t very foamy, which turned out to be true. We have a very boring ceiling. We have no posters and no rug (the latter of which I am responsible for). You shouldn’t let a bunch of cheap paint jobs be our decorating. We don’t even have curtains, what the hell, Embly? Or even a disco ball. That would be tacky as shit, but at least it’s a decoration. In conclusion, this beer is pretty good.

Dylan Charles

P.S. This is a goddamn super-awesome post.

3 thoughts on “Beer Review: Spaten Optimator

  1. SAM ADAMS GLASS WITH BUILT-IN DEFECTS! (Embly, they’re called nucleation sites)

    I can’t tell what’s in Emily’s voice and what’s the rambly stuff Dylan said.

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