I’m always searching for what I think might be the worst movie ever made. It has to fulfill a number of criteria to qualify.
1. It has to be offensive. It can’t just be poorly made, with bad lighting and bad acting. It needs to offend me on some level. If I’m not angry by the end, then it doesn’t count.
2. It needs to be poorly made. As bad as say, Battlefield Earth is, it’s not badly made. It’s got some visuals to it, by golly. If it’s going to qualify as the worst movie ever, it needs to have booms in frame. It needs to be so poorly lit that I can’t see what’s going on. There needs to be a definite lack of quality present.
3. It has to have no redeeming value. There should be no chance that I learn anything from this morning. There should be no point where I say, “Well, at least it looks like they had fun while they were making this.” From every aspect, the worst movie ever needs to be a waste of everyone’s time. If I see that Alan Smithee is the director, I know I’m on the right track.
Those are a few of the basic criteria needed. I watched a movie yesterday that almost qualifies. It certainly comes close. I was angry, sad and a little sick when it finished, but it was missing something. If it was just a little bit worse…I’m still looking.
And I will find it.
One of my (many) overly ambitious goals is to find the worst movie ever made. I hear at least one of you muttering to yourself, “But taste is a subjective thing, how can he possibly hope to find ‘the worst’ of anything?”
To which I reply, “Ah-HA, I have a foolproof system!”
I tell people the worst movie I’ve ever seen and wait for their response. If they blanch and turn white, then I know they haven’t seen anything worse. If, however, they counteract with their own worst movie, then I have a new lead.
For the longest time, no-one was able to top my worst film. There was agreement from all comers that what I’d seen was pretty reprehensible. I’d tell you what it is, but I’ll just link here instead and save myself the typing.
However, the other day, someone had a response for me. He told me about a movie that he hadn’t seen, but he’d heard about it. It’s a movie of almost mythical atrociousness, something only exists in legend. It sounds violent, disgusting and needless shocking. It sounds like a movie that would turn my stomach.
And I want to see it.
Understand this; I don’t think I’m going to get a single shred of enjoyment out of watching it. I think I’ll even end up feeling worse about myself as a person. But there’s a part of me that needs to see if it truly is THAT bad, if it is the worst movie ever made. Every time I watch a truly vile movie, I get a little more desensitized to that crap. Another tiny piece of me that can judge wholesome entertainment becomes necrotic and falls off.
So I’m a little worried about that. I’d tell you what movie, but I’m ashamed of my interest in it. I keep worrying at it in my head; it’s the loose tooth that won’t fall out and I can’t leave it alone.