A Troll 2 Movie Review in Two Parts

Part II: Viewing

There is, perhaps, little that I could add to the general cacophony of voices that have judged Troll 2 and found it wanting. One more damned cry in the night will affect no-one; especially when there already exists so many who have suffered.

In spite of numerous preparations, I was ill-prepared for what I endured and, now that the event has transpired, I do not believe that tthing that I could have done to fully prepare myself what I went through. Can anyone truly prepare for Troll 2? I had watched videos, little snippets from the movie beforehand. I laughed, with a light heart, at the dialog and terrible special effects. I believed that I was ready for anything that the movie could throw at me.

But I was not.

The acting alone would have sufficed to break down any mental barriers I had erected to protect me from the badness. From the actors who clearly had never worked in the field before to the people who had been culled from the local community theater, nay, culled from the people who could not make it in community theater.

To be fair, no actor, no matter his or her talent, should have been forced to read those lines. That alone was a crime to which there is no response, save public execution.

Troll 2 has bleached my soul, robbing it of vitality and life and left me with the barest wisps of humanity to sustain me. I am an old man, aged before my time, a husk that has weathered the worst that humanity has created. I am now frail of spirit, weak of heart and feeble of mind.

I live, yes, but only so much as the barest and lowest of life could be said to live. There are deep sea sponges that have greater claims to life than I, in my post-Troll 2 existence.

In spite of the futility of such an attempt, I rise up and cry out, with the millions of others who have suffered this same fate and say, “Do not watch Troll 2!” before I slip back, back, back into the abyss of my now wretched existence.

It’s not the worst movie I have ever seen, but lord, it weren’t good.

Dylan Charles