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A Troll 2 Movie Review in Two Parts

Part II: Viewing

There is, perhaps, little that I could add to the general cacophony of voices that have judged Troll 2 and found it wanting. One more damned cry in the night will affect no-one; especially when there already exists so many who have suffered.

In spite of numerous preparations, I was ill-prepared for what I endured and, now that the event has transpired, I do not believe that tthing that I could have done to fully prepare myself what I went through. Can anyone truly prepare for Troll 2? I had watched videos, little snippets from the movie beforehand. I laughed, with a light heart, at the dialog and terrible special effects. I believed that I was ready for anything that the movie could throw at me.

But I was not.

The acting alone would have sufficed to break down any mental barriers I had erected to protect me from the badness. From the actors who clearly had never worked in the field before to the people who had been culled from the local community theater, nay, culled from the people who could not make it in community theater.

To be fair, no actor, no matter his or her talent, should have been forced to read those lines. That alone was a crime to which there is no response, save public execution.

Troll 2 has bleached my soul, robbing it of vitality and life and left me with the barest wisps of humanity to sustain me. I am an old man, aged before my time, a husk that has weathered the worst that humanity has created. I am now frail of spirit, weak of heart and feeble of mind.

I live, yes, but only so much as the barest and lowest of life could be said to live. There are deep sea sponges that have greater claims to life than I, in my post-Troll 2 existence.

In spite of the futility of such an attempt, I rise up and cry out, with the millions of others who have suffered this same fate and say, “Do not watch Troll 2!” before I slip back, back, back into the abyss of my now wretched existence.

It’s not the worst movie I have ever seen, but lord, it weren’t good.

Dylan Charles

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A Troll 2 Movie Review in Two Parts

Part I: Preparations

For the bad horror movie aficionado, there are several movies that must be seen. Plan 9 from Outer Space, for example, is a given. It’s delightfully awful and made with love, which makes its terribleness that much more tragic.

I have seen a great many bad movies, but there is one that I have avoided. Not with deliberate intent, but our paths have never had occasion to cross.

But now I finally have the means and opportunity to watch it and I make plans to do so.

I am going to watch Troll 2.

Troll 2‘s badness is legendary, perhaps surpassing even that of Plan 9 from Outer Space. This is no small accomplishment and even more respectable considering the relative youth of Troll 2. Since its creation 20 years ago, Troll 2 has achieved a level of cult-like fandom of such fervor that a documentary was recently released. It detailed the creation and then the aftermath of Troll 2 and also delved into the minds of the people involved.

I must prepare to watch this movie and I will do my best to maintain both composure and rational thought as I begin my journey into what many have called The Worst Movie Ever Made.

Upon the conclusion of this journey, I will return and share with you, my reader, what hath transpired. If I am still able.

Dylan Charles

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Filed under Horror: Movies, Books, Stories and More